We’ve all seen and read the news story about 15 year old Phoebe Prince, the young Irish immigrant living in South Hadley, Massachusetts who committed suicide when the bullying by six bottom feeders at her school got to be too much. The coup de grace came while she was walking home and a car load of the bullies drove by and threw a can of soda at her hitting her in the head. Hours later, she hanged herself.
Well, now it comes to light that Prince sought help from her school’s administrators only to be met with deaf ears. Two teachers at her school also reported two separate incidences of bullying towards Prince and nothing came of that either. The six bullies involved have finally been taken out of that school, charged with a host of crimes, (two of the boys involved face rape charges) and everyone’s lawyered up. School officials, according to District Attorney Elizabeth Scheibel, the fact that school admins knew about it but did nothing was “bothersome but not criminal”. School officials do not face charges in this matter.
There isn’t a parent alive that has not come across a school bully. It’s an oft told story and to date, we can put a man on the moon, we can perform heart surgery on a fetus in utero but we cannot solve the problem of how to get our children to behave. And quite frankly, I’d like to know why.
Back in the day, when schools actually had some disciplinary authority over students, bullies got reported to the principal’s office and were disciplined. Some were thrown out of school, expelled as were. Bullies retaliated by making it “uncool” to tattle and so bullying went on. Then schools were, bit by bit, divested of any real disciplinary measures because parents began wringing their hands over “self esteem and paddling is abuse”. We can’t throw the little bastards out anymore because, for some reason, they have a right to be in school causing trouble. We refuse to allow our teachers to discipline them so now teachers, faced with falling wages and triple classroom sizes have to find creative ways to keep order but not “stifle anyone’s creativity” or “break their spirits” with any kind of hardline discipline.
So, we no longer have public institutions of learning, we have free, glorified daycare. And what’s worse…mom and dad are apparently NOT doing their job at home.
So I would like to hear from teachers and parents alike. Where does a bully come from? What goes on in a home that gives some brat the idea that it is acceptable to go to school and bully anyone else. I’m not talking about Jimmy and Joey fighting on the playground. No…bullying and the lack of action towards it has taken a far more sinister turn. I want to know… would you support statewide anti bullying legislation that required the parent to be punished for their child’s behavior? In other words, your kid gets caught under age drinking, loitering, shoplifting, and bullying other kids just to name a few transgressions. How willing would you be to bend over backwards circumventing this behavior if you, as the parent, were faced with a very stiff financial penalty for each transgression? How likely are you to know where your child is, what your child is doing, how your child behaves and if your child is bullying another student if you are the one who has to pick up trash and dead animals on the roadside all while wearing a bright neon vest emblazoned with the words “I Raised My Child To Be a Bully” or “ I Raised My Child to Drink and Drive”, “I Raised My Child to be a Shoplifter”, “I Raised My Child to Be a Thief”. No mani-pedi appointments to keep, no soccer practice to get to, no…you’re rocking some serious community service hours out on the roadside wearing an embarrassing vest emblazoned with your child’s behavioral crime so that all of your friends, neighbors, work associates, bosses and people you don’t know can see what a lousy parent you are. Seriously, if you had to do the time, how likely is your kid to do the crime? I want to know.
Well, I thought that was well put! I've definitely thought about this a lot in the past, but hadn't written anything on it as of yet. I know for me that just knowing that I had a loving family was often enough to cull any behavior. Plus knowing that my parents wouldn't be very happy and there would probably be disiplinary actions often helped!
ReplyDeleteBut I think that biggest thing that helped prevent ME from being a bully was the Lord. I do think that this problem has to be dealt with. Punishment is necessary for all ages. If they aren't dealt with as children, than they will be dealt with as adults. And when a young angry child becomes a young angry man, that's when it becomes frightening.
These days there are precious areas left in this country where a parent can discipline a child without potentially facing charges. Children are taught about child abuse in schools and encouraged to report their parents. I had a friend in California, a single mother, who lost her children to the system. The older boy had been living with his Dad. He was a problem and Dad didn't want him anymore and sent him to mom. The child wanted to go back to Dad's where there were no rules so he fabricated an abuse tale at school. Both children were removed from the school and placed into foster care without further investigation. The child believe he would be sent back to his Dad and that was his motivation. She spent more than a year fighting to get her kids back and in the end pleaded guilty to the charges because only then would they return her children.
ReplyDeleteI agree; parents need to step up to the plate, and frequently, their lack of parenting, leads to inapppropriate behaviors by their offspring. However, sometimes, in spite of good parenting, a child is, for lack of a better word, a bad apple. Then what? Do we continue to punish the parents? Because God knows, living with that child is a recurring punishment. In an ideal society, each occurence would be investigated, and the responsible parties would pay.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, there cannot be a bully if there is not a victim. How is it that there are kids who make it through the system with being neither bully nor victim? These kids have healthy--not artificial--self-esteems and do not react to the bullies. It is no fun to bully a kid who does not respond or who gives it back.
Who are these victims? Some are innocent victims, but many of these kids seem to "ask for it." I am trying to be very careful how I word this because I do not want to blame the victims. Nobody deserves to be bullied or picked on, but there seems to be people who put themselves in situations by making comments that set others off or by engaging in behaviors that are so far from the group norm that they seem to invite ridicule. These kids need a sensitivity training as much as the bullies do.
To exemplify my above point, I once had a student who would bring me treats, make a big deal about giving them to me, but would NEVER share with his peers. When the other kids would reach out to him, he would be rude to them. When they would give it back to him, he would go to administration and cry bully or harrassment. Were the other kids harrassing him? Yes, without a doubt. Did who do anything to help himself? Absolutely not.
As a parent, I have taught my kids to be kind to others and to stand up for themselves. I tell them to talk or walk their way out of fight, but if there is ever a stituation where their verbal skills aren't enough, then fight with all you have. To date, neither of my children have had to fight.
The solution? There is no real solution. We can mandate anti-bullying programs in schools, but most students just laugh at them. The bullies are the ones laughing the hardest. It is more important to teach children how not to be victims. I encourage my own children and my students to stand up for themselves against any adversary. When my students have a problem with something I have done, I encourage them to talk to me. Even if the problem is not resovled in the students'favor, I always tell them how proud of them I am for standing up to (not challenging) an authority figure. Our kids need to learn to recognize when something is a big deal and when it is best to just let it go. That kid who always cries wolf gets picked on a whole lot more than the one who just lets it slide.